The tightrope

I’m going to type this while on the bed waiting for N to nap in her crib and copy it into my blog later. She is not keen on being in there, and keeps throwing things out, and is fussy, but we’ll try. It is past her naptime and we just had her snack she is cranky and over-tired and hyper.

Anyway, the doctor said that she is more outgoing and happier than most post-orphanage babies he’s seen. He said she was clearly a caregiver favorite and the only “health problem” he saw was an outie belly button which is a herniated belly button. He said it was obviously not really an issue, and only cosmetic and that Sports Illustrated covers were years away and it would probably fix itself by then as her stomach muscles strengthen. He said the biggest problem we would probably have with her would be keeping the boys away. She was thrilled with him…he made the exam a play session, checking what he needed to, but in a playful way. The only parts she didn’t like were the tongue depressor and some of the feeling around her tummy parts.

She does not want to nap…but then, she needs to nap because she is rubbing her eyes and is cranky as all get out and does not really want to do anything but wants to do everything.

Last night she ate a big jar of Beech Nut chicken with country vegetables and a little fruit. This morning she had a small container of plain “baby yogurt” and most of a medium jar of mixed fruit. For her snack just now she wolfed down a small jar of carrots and a medium jar of sweet potatoes and chicken. She’s an eating machine and hasn't refused any food, although I can kind of tell when she likes something more. I don't suppose they had a varied menu or choices at the baby home. Once she starts playing around with it, we stop and she might fuss as I take the bib off, but then she is usually okay. If she isn’t, we go again, but when she starts spraying me with baby food (I got a face full of carrots a little while ago…good thing I am wearing a red shirt), we stop again until she calms down. She starts off quiet and passive and serious about the food, but once she gets a little in her, it is playtime. And I don’t have a high chair. I have a big desk chair. She moves from arm to arm, looking over the side, she slides down, she tries to stand up. It’s a challenge.

I’m going to see if I can hold her to sleep. She’s upset and whining and coping by sucking her forefinger. I’ve let her fuss a little, but I also need to be meeting her needs and I am still figuring out how to do that without giving her the impression that she can have whatever she wants because there are times when that just isn’t possible. Sunday’s journey looms large in the back of my mind.

Ugh, all I do is stimulate her. I didn't see a rocking chair at the baby home...I suppose they just put them down and that's that. Even when I try to just hold her and be completely boring, she is completely energized. Gave her half a bottle of formula. She is fighting sleep like a ninja.

So I’ve put her in her crib and left the room. It’s been about a minute and she is still calling out a bit, but the hard-core screaming only lasted about a minute. It is a fine line between promoting attachment and letting a very tired and cranky girl get everything she wants. She has definitely learned to turn on the charm and then the noise when she wants something. One thing she has learned at the baby home is that cute gets positive attention. She “mommy shops”. It is one reason I will not be letting other women hold her for a long time. To her, we are all potential mommies. Mommy is just a word.

Sometimes if I just don’t give in, she will stop, but other times it goes into a full on scream fest. This is a hard road to walk with a toddler. I'm not a fan of the scream it out thing...but she is also not used to being rocked or put to sleep and me being in the room just stimulates her. We have not had 14 months together to work on a routine or even develop half a habit. If I had parented her the first 14 months of her life and we were firmly attached, I could parent differently. As it is, time outs and techniques that separate us are not good techniques for a newly adopted child. Not only because of the separation….she may generally just use coping mechanisms she has developed and not only retreat, but not have anything much to retreat from. But also because for an older adopted child, separation from the parent may not have the desired effect. They may have not developed the need to please the parent. N is at a hard age for all of this. This isn't a time out, but I am removing myself from her to get her to wind down and I don't know if that is the right thing to do.

As you can see, we’ve done lots of reading about this stuff (there are several books and courses about this adoption attachment stuff) and read stories of other adoptive parents, but living it is a whole ‘nother can of worms, as we all know and anticipated.

Two minutes and she was calling, but not crying. Then crying and calling. She doesn’t call my name (mama)… just a general wah/yah. I have no name to her. Just another woman who takes care of her, although she is starting to cling a tiny bit with strangers for a minute and she seems to have a bit of a preference for me.

8 minutes and I just peeked. She was whimpering and sucking her finger and lying down. She saw me, though, and now is in full on hysterics.

What to do, what to do. She is quieting down a bit again. PLEASE SLEEP, LITTLE ONE! She is so tired…rubbing her eyes, sucking her finger, and fighting sleep with every fiber of her being.
Wait, is that silence I hear?

Nope…just catching her breath.

Just did some snack clean-up. 13 minutes in. She is quiet and then screams…I know if I go in there it will rile her up again. Decisions, decisions.

17 minutes and she was down for the count. That was hard, baby girl.

So here is the last visit to her baby home for y'all to contemplate. They let me video her living quarters. The blond lady in the white coat is a doctor and the baby home director. She was undressed because they asked if I wanted them to dress her or me...of course I said "me!"