Need to lose weight?

Boy, have I got the program for you. All for the low, low price of $40,000-$60,000, payable in installments, along with most of your dignity and patience as you get inspected and approved along the way, but you are sure to lose weight and gain muscle tone as you:

*go straight to 20 pound weights. Forget those measly 7-10 pound babies. You'll skip that stage and go straight to the 18-20 pounder. (If you are really brave, you'll get an older, heavier baby...just put in a special request and your little darling can start off as heavy as you'd like.) With her strapped across your chest, her diaper bag hanging off one shoulder, and a backpack full of either electronics, paperwork, groceries, or all of the above, you will be bench pressing in no time. Especially when you drop something.

*get the squirmy toddler right off the bat. No passive baby who has not yet experienced the great wonder of standing and walking. You'll go from zero to 60 with an adorable but indecisive toddler who wants down, and then up, and then down, and then up and then down....making the Ergo impossible to use at times, and assuring that your arms get the full workout they deserve. Can't always cheat it with the Ergo, even when you are carrying the diaper bag and backpack.

* no flabby arms allowed. Show her the thrill of "flying" by lifting her above your head. She will be sure to whimper and wriggle and scream until you do it every other time you pick her up.

* be sure and get your money's worth on this plan by traveling across Russia, through airports and make sure you go to Red Square via the Metro. After all, you don't want to miss out on all those stairs. You'll feel the burn as you climb stairs, bend over to get things out of your diaper bag, and occasionally drop something. You will generally get ushered to the front of any line and men will give you their seat on the Metro, but since the Metro doesn't exactly stop at St. Basil's, you will be sure to get the workout you paid for.

*hit some hills while you are at it. Since Moscow is not exactly flat, you will feel the burn as you press forward as fast as you can, trying to not get lost and add extra time and distance.

*make sure those back muscles get the full treatment. Since Russia has not discovered the baby changing station phenom, straddle the lid of a toilet in a tiny Starbucks bathroom, changing the diaper of the squirming child you've lain on your coat and a changing pad. Earn bonus points for keeping her hands off the dirty floor and just be thankful you found a toilet with a lid this time and there weren't twenty-five women in line like there was at the last bathroom you found.

* extra pounds lost by having to dress your baby in three layers in the Russian fall and just be really gtrateful it isn't January. You could be experiencing the accelerated plan by having to do all this with a Michelin baby in a snowsuit. Nothing like a good struggle while bent over double to work those abs and back!

* best of all, go on a diet of caffeinated colas, granola bars, and room service, only eaten when your baby is asleep at night. If you are lucky, you will be able to eat a sandwich with one hand in Starbucks, fortifying yourself for the haul to the grocery store, where you will add four bottles of water, formula, rice cereal, and baby food to your load as your fussy baby tires of the Ergo and you still have three blocks to go until the hotel.

* make absolutely sure you get a toddler who has never been in a carrier before and isn't quite sure she likes it. Starting with a newborn who doesn't know any better is flat out cheating. You need a little one who has never even been in a car seat before. Bouncing and rocking and staying in constant motion, even while seated, will work nearly every muscle in your body to exhaustion. Get a mental workout as well if you do this while pacing for five solid minutes around a Metro station trying to find the right line since your guide book uses English letters but the Metro uses Cyrilllic.

Yes indeed, folks, I've got the weight loss program for you. Those pans of brownies you ate when the stress of the application process made you want to lay down and die will melt off your hips as you sway very slowly from one leg to the other for 45 minutes in a dark hotel room, trying to put to sleep a cranky angel who barely knows you and isn't sure what just happened to her world. In addition to the absolute joy your bundle of sunshine will bring to your life, you can experience the sheer exhaustion of a 24/7 workout by doing it all alone as your hubby brings home the bacon to pay for this extensive workout plan.