Don't get me wrong...I knew this would be hard.
But I just wish we could reach some sort of routine. A series of habits. Anything, really. I know she has only been home less than two weeks. She is doing amazingly well. We have no issues whatsoever with eye contact or being held. In fact, she wants to be held most of the time, which is more or less a normal stage in the adjustment period. It can be exhausting for me, though, as she does not like for me to sit still while holding her unless she is "flying" or bouncing or being rough-housed.
She generally sleeps from 8-9 until maybe 12:30-1:30 am without waking. Then she wakes and can go right back down, but more often than not, she is awake for a couple of hours. Then she wakes every hour or so and cries out unless I let her sleep next to me on the air mattress next to her crib, which may very well be a bad habit, but at least it gets me some sleep. My friend Beth went through this. Her little girl would fall asleep in her crib, but once she woke each night, she would bring her to bed with her. Her little girl was in foster care in Guatemala and very used to co-sleeping. Beth is a single working mom, so sleep was paramount. I think her little one is now sleeping more through the night alone. Co-sleeping in C and my's queen bed is not an option. I need to find out exactly how it all worked out with Beth. C thinks if I let her sleep with me on the mattress, it will be hard to break that habit, but I think maybe this will just last until she feels more secure. Right now she is very insecure and if she wakes while sleeping and sees me standing over her, she will often go right back to sleep, but if I am not there then she cries. I assume maybe she wakes on the mattress, but with me right there, she goes back to sleep.
Nap times are hit or miss. We have no established routine and it is difficult to get one started. She is very resistant to sleeping. I have resorted to the car seat a few times, today included, but then she only sleeps an hour or so. She tends to move around a lot in her sleep. We have no history. No established sleepytime cues. Lullabies don't seem to phase her at all...if anything, they excite her. She is used to sleeping in a room with 12 other babies and I can't replicate that.
She is generally a very happy, smiling girl. And of course there are the crocodile tears when I say "nyet" to her touching the remote control or pulling on a lamp cord. But then there are the occasional hysterical fits. Yesterday I was making myself a sandwich and didn't pick her up when she wanted. She went into hysterics and next thing I knew, she was gnawing on her arm inbetween screams. This is the first self-mutilation type of behavior I've seen. At least she doesn't bang her head against the wall violently, a behavior we have heard of. Of course I picked her up and calmed her. Sometimes she is just upset in a way she will get over in 30 seconds. Other times her stress and/or fear turn into hysterical screaming she can't calm herself from. If I get even close to leaving her room while she is playing in her crib, she becomes hysterical. I can leave the room in general...but when she is on her crib, she doesn't want me out of sight and she doesn't want me to close her in her room. When she is over-tired, like a typical toddler, she is fine one minute and crying the next, for no apparent reason. She can't begin to tell me what is wrong...she doesn't understand a word I say (except "nyet"), I'm lucky if I get her to nap for an hour, and by 5 o'clock most days I am counting down the minutes to bedtime. C comes home to visit us each night, usually between maybe 6 or 7 and 8 or 9. Then he goes back to the office.
Most days I end up not feeling like a very good mommy. I know this is probably how most mommies feel on most days. I just wish we had history. I wish we had precedent and ritual and habit. I'm trying to start some, but it's hard to just walk into the life of a 15 month old, take her away from everything she has known, and start anew.
This is the first night all week I haven't gone to bed when she did. Those who know me will be shocked to hear that I was asleep by 7:30 last night. I will probably regret trying to stay up and have some alone time tonight. C tried putting her down for bed earlier when she awoke an hour after I put her down, but she was inconsolable. I ended up rocking her to sleep with her second bottle of the night. It took 45 minutes and then she awoke again 5 minutes after I left her room. Another 30 minute rocking marathon. She should be awake in the next hour or so, so I suppose I should try to go fulfill my new motto and "sleep while the sleeping is good".
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14 comments:
oh this sounds hard but it shall pass at some point.
You say she is used to have lots of other babies around but I wonder if the caregivers were also within eye shot? Do you know if she slept through the night there.
Sounds like it's just an adjustment like you said. I don't have much advice b.c I don't know how to console a child who is working through a life change.
I can understand co-sleeping with her so you can get some rest. Once she starts sleeping through the night, then you can slow make the transition to her own bed.
Do you have to stay in the room when she naps?
Hang in there!!!
:::hugs:::
have you thought about backing bedtime up more? Miss m was waking like that and it stopped when we put her down at 6. Which sucked, but she went from that to sleeping 12-13 hours a night. With one short nap in the afternoon.
I also wonder if it's too quiet when she wakes up, maybe some sort of white noise machine would help?
I would give up on trying for 2 naps and work on one. I still have the sleep books I read, I will check to see if they have any info on adoption.
You could resort to giving her something to try to get the sleep habits back in place. Lol, the doctor gave my mom a script for liquid Dramamine for my brother!
Does infant motrin help her sleep at all?
Have you tried a night in your guest bed? Co-sleep from the start of the night.
I wish there was more I could help with, know that you guys are never more than a few minutes from my thoughts. Oh and all the traditional stuff made mine wake up. No baths before bedtime here, no lulabies, no nutin'.
Do you have a place nearby that might offer a mommy & me swim class? The water exercise might help with sleep.
Ok, speaking of sleep- 4am is going to come soon and I need to try get some more.
Hang in there and lots more hugs.
Tracey who can't remember her google pw at 1am! Lol!
I was going to suggest the same as Tracey, maybe she needs a little background noise while sleeping!
Becoming a mom is overwhelming and exhausting. I think most moms with a toddler count the minutes from dinner to bedtime :-)
White noise really helps JJ, I have also read from Dr. Sears to put talk radio on very softly or use the monitor in reverse on low so that she hears you, the TV etc and doesn't feel alone.
Co-sleeping is wonderful for all of you.
She will eventually get married and not want to sleep with mamma any more. :-) Right now is all about what is best for YOUR family. If that means Co-sleeping....go for it!
It's wonderful to hear updates! Becoming a family however it happens is a HUGE adjustment. You AND N are going thru big changes. There is joy, excitement and grief for the loss of the "old life".
You are doing great!
You are doing so well in a very tough situation. Hang in there!
Just some thoughts:
--I second the white noise machine
--I also second the earlier bedtime idea; some kids can't sleep well when they are overtired
--even though I don't think all babies need it, it does sound like N. needs co-sleeping for now
--Between ages 1-2, I used a hip sling baby carrier. It's made by Playtex and R Us has it. That way you can make sandwiches or even go to the bathroom without putting her down. Or go Guatemalan and use a big piece of fabric to tie her on your back.
I agree with the background noise..I am of the school of thought you should not have a quiet house when baby is sleeping either.. this might work for N too since she is used to noise of things going on where she was. Also maybe put her to sleep in a pack-n-play in the living room off in a corner.. Amandalyn slept that way for a long time because she slept better when she stirred and could hear me moving around and still "near" her.
also co-sleeping.. you say that wont work in your bed.. have you checked out these?
http://www.onestepahead.com/catalog/product.jsp?productId=6586&cm_ven=Froogle&cm_cat=NA&cm_pla=NA&cm_ite=12217
im not sure of her weight but it gives you something to start with. I hope you get some rest soon!! (((hugs)))
Hang in there - it will get better! I know it sounds crazy, but we never kept my son on a nap routine - he would generally nap in the afternoon, but never really the same time. I say keep the house quiet (or the white noise machine) put a big cushy pillow and blanket on the floor with a few toys and in time she will establish her own routine - it hasn't been that long really, so give it time.
ON the sleep thing, I would try not to cosleep if you can get away with it, but only you know what will be best for her. She just may be wanted to check that you are still there. Do you think keeping a light at night might help? Or giving her one of your slept in night shirts?
Although you have no history, you are picking up her cues every day. Every mom has to learn cues whether its as an infant or later on like you. You are doing great!
I second the white noise. However, what worked for us was Baby Einstein videos on a small tv with the sound down low. It gave him something to watch until he passed out and then the noise kept him sleep. DS also slept in a pack-n-play next to our den/kitchen area during the day and I never worried about noise. He got used to the NICU that was noisy and we kept that going at home. He slept better than when things were quiet. He also never would sleep consisently if he was overtired. I never was structured with nap time either except to have him down by 2 so he was up by 4-4:30 and we had him in the crib by 9 and he would go until 8:30-9 the next morning.
I'm not a believer in co-sleeping so I can't help in that arena at all.
Kim in NC
I'm in the minority group that doesn't believe in co-sleeping. I also never had a structured nap time with ds. I do agree with the white noise; I know that ds was fine with noise.
I do agree with T in earlier to bed. DS generally went to bed by 8 but at a younger age, often went at 7...and he would sleep through the night.
I understand how this is a huge change for N as well as for you and C and you are doing a great job. We went through a phase with Nate where he would.not. go to sleep in his crib...we had to lull him to sleep and he had to be totally out or he would wake up crying. That didn't last a long time but as a parent, it was frustrating.
I also think that for now, your new motto is the way to go.
Jill M
My first children are before co-sleeping was in so I cant give advice on that. We have a toddler bed for when adopted daughter gets home and I was thinking if we are in the same place as you are either I will sleep on the twin bed in her room or drag the toddler bed to my side of our bed where we can get her to sleep and if she needs I can reach down and pat her back. Would a pack n play work in your room? I feel so bad for her. (and I know you must be exhausted.)I too will read in my adoption books and see if I can find any pointers.
I agree with Tracey on teh earlier bedtime. sometimes if babies are OVERtired, they can't calm themselves down enough to go to sleep. They fall into a sort-of sleep but then wake up at the slightest little sound and can't get back to sleep.
And white noise would be awesome if she's used to a noisy atmosphere. We had a little tape player in K's room for YEARS and I played a lullabye tape for her. It got to the point that she could NOT sleep without that music. but it became such a part of our lives that to me, it was perfectly normal to play THAT TAPE (no other would suffice) whenever it was sleep time. I still have those tapes - and she's almost 12. :)
You're doing a fabulous job and this is NOT easy! The rewards are worth it all tenfold. :)
Like the others said, she may need background noise to sleep b/c she's just to sleeping in a room full of kids.
Co-sleep ... or put her in a pack'n play in your bedroom so she's not alone.
Or try giving her benedryl before bedtime ... I have 3/4 teaspoon written down as the infant bedtime dose.
Lack of sleep has got to be the worst part of being a new mommy. Hang in there.
Cheryl
Oh my....you get everything tossed at you at once...trying to connect/bond/attach, while also going through some transitional sleep issues all while trying to figure out what works for you, C and your beautiful baby girl.
You've got the right idea...read a bit, but experiment and finds what works for you and your daughter.
You are close...I just know it...you'll figure out what works!
How are things going? Any better at all?
I have a radio in Williams room. Sometimes I put on an ocean CD that I have or sometimes the public classical station (no commercials). Works wonders... :)
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