tap, tap, tap

Is this thing still on?

Sorry about the silence. I can't believe I haven't posted in a whole month.

On the daughter front, N has been having some attachment issues. Daytime issues, too, but the sleeping issue is more of a problem. She rather suddenly decided that it was not okay to be alone and has started to stick to me like glue all day. She used to go off into another room to watch a little TV or play during the day and yesterday she went into an adjoining room to watch cartoons for a few minutes, but for pretty much the last month, anytime she has been alone she has come screaming to me within a minute or two about being scared. Scared of what? Don't really know. Noises set her off, like a truck going down the street or alley. Sometimes she will want to show me a "monster" that usually consists of shadows from the trees moving against the blinds or a wall. But it doesn't seem to be monster-centered. She does have a vivid three-year-old imagination now, though.

Monday night C gave her a bath while I was cleaning up after dinner and when she got out he came and got me because she was inconsolable. She was going on about her "wrinkly fingers" and he didn't know what the hell she was talking about and she was crying for me at the same time. So I went and talked to her about her wrinkly fingers and told her it was okay and that she just got them from being wet and gave her hugs and calmed her down. She has gotten upset about her fingers before, after swimming or bathing, but I guess since I wasn't there to talk her through it and she was super tired, she lost it.

Then last night when I went to Knit Night, she was generally okay when I left...kept saying goodbye over and over and gave me lots of kisses and ran at me at the last minute for an Eskimo kiss and kept saying goodbye through the door as I went into the garage. Then after I was gone C told her to go get her shoes out of her room and he went into the master suite to get his shoes or something and when she came back into the living room he wasn't there and that set her off for a long time, Crying "I want my mommy!" for 10 minutes or so. He got her calmed down eventually by walking her to the park. I've gotten to the point where I tell her what room I am going to if I leave a room she is in so that she doesn't just suddenly look up and see that I am not there and freak out. C isn't as used to this new freak out thing as I am and doesn't think to do that. Up to now, it hasn't seemed to be about me so much as just a general thing, but now it does seem to be about me. He called me at Knit Night because she wanted to say good night to me.

I took her to the local babysitting place for an hour and a half this afternoon. She kept hugging me over and over and then clung to me as I tried to leave. It was awful. I know she was upset after I left. When I went back they said she cried and screamed for me for a bit and then they distracted her with markers. I just hate this. She's never done this before and it breaks my heart that she gets so upset. She has been with us almost two years now and I think she is perhaps going through the type of separation anxiety that you might expect at 18 months-2 years. Her family age is different from her actual age. At 18 months old she wasn't attached enough to have mommy separation issues. It seems like now she is reaching that stage with me and it is just now setting in.

Anyway, I've been sleeping on an air mattress next to her bed again like I did for the first 6-8 months after we brought her home. C relieves me on the weekends. It's not fun, but at least I get to sleep through the night instead of running to her room once or twice in the middle of the night while she screams for me and then sitting in her room waiting for her to go back to sleep. That is definitely not a restful option. If one of us doesn't stay in there while she falls asleep, she screams and cries and works herself into a complete frenzy of despair and hyperventilation. We aren't entirely sure what all is behind this, but we've finally decided that she needs what she needs and hopefully she will work through this eventually. I guess she will eventually be okay with being left alone in her room again at night like she did when she'd been home long enough to feel secure the first time around.
In knitting news, I knit that cute hat up there at the top of this to match this adorable sweater. I became completely obsessed with this sweater. Photos don't seem to do it justice. It is very cute. It's been 106 for two months, so it isn't like she needs it right now. Perhaps I was just feeling like I needed to have hope that cooler weather will be here soon. The weather folks are predicting a "cold front" next week. Highs in the 90's qualifies as a "cold front". I am SO over this summer.