This is why

If you are around me and N and it seems like I am dropping everything to comfort her for every little booboo she cries over or picking her up to hold her nearly every time she has a tantrum, this is why. Yes, she can be a drama queen. She tripped over a toy tonight and you would have thought she broke her leg the way she carried on....like any child her age, she gets that way when she is tired or wants attention.

This post came through on one of my Yahoo groups and I didn't ask, but I also don't suppose the author would mind me posting it since the group it was posted to is not exactly a private one.


Every once in awhile I see references to children being "spoiled" at their orphanage. The premise being that they come to their forever homes and throw tantrums to get what they want, therefore they must have gotten everything they asked for or wanted at the orphanage. Respectfully, I'd like to offer an alternate insight. These kids grew up in an orphanage, with multiple caregivers and a ratio of often one caregiver to ten kids, meaning that there is no possible way they got everything they wanted or needed emotionally, even if they were a favorite. It's hard to me to believe these kids were "spoiled".

My then 15 month old son developed a disturbing behavior while I was in Russia during our 10 day wait. If he wasn't happy with something (especially if I said "nyet"), he would scream and fall straight backward (usually from a sitting position, but sometimes he tried this standing) and whack his head. Then he would cry...because it hurt! I noticed this behavior during the time he and I spent together outside the orphanage, and mentioned it to the caregivers. They had seen this too, but only started since I arrived. Their theory was that he got so much one on one attention from me, something he had never had in his life, that when he got back to the orphanage he tried to do something dramatic to get their limited attention. And let me tell you, this was dramatic! I think they were right.

One other thing I saw at the orphanage that ties into this. There were six children in a playpen. One of them bumped his chin on the edge and started crying. The very kind caregiver was standing right there and did not comfort him, although she had time, and she saw it happen. After a minute or two she explained to me that she could not comfort him, because if the other children saw that he was comforted, they would all bang their chins on the edge and really hurt themselves. How sad is that¸ that this child in pain couldn't be comforted? And how sad that these kids have to learn survival techniques from an impossibly young age, just to receive a tiny bit of affection and comfort from an adult? This is the world our children lived in.

Since coming home, that behavior has subsided, but still happens once in awhile. We all know to expect some level of institutional developmental delays, but my IA doctor told me to assume that my child is even more emotionally delayed than developmentally. Although my first instinct was to ignore the behavior, other than to make sure he did not truly hurt himself, her recommendation was the opposite. Treat him like an infant. Pick him up immediately, comfort him, show him that I will always be there and will always meet his needs. Do not ignore him until the tantrum has subsided, he's been ignored his whole little life. Once he learns to trust me and to trust my permanence, he won't need to resort to dramatic behaviors.

I hope this helps, especially those of you who are just coming home with their little ones.

Tamar

This attachment thing is hard with a very active toddler. We need to set limits (no touching the laptop and no standing up on the plastic Little People parking garage) but we also need to promote attachmentat every opportunity. Mama needs to get dressed and would like to shower every few days, so no, I can't always hold her when she wants it even with the Ergo, and there are times when she cries or screams and I can't immediately do anything about it (like when my head is covered in shampoo or I am doing 60 down a freeway or handling hot food). Fostering attachment and making her feel secure in our relationship is the most important thing we can do right now as parents. So no, it really isn't possible to spoil a newly adopted child anymore than it is spoiling a newborn to cater to her needs. Emotionally, N is a lot younger than 15 months and our family is in its fledgling days.

I know some of the things we are doing and will be doing seem a little weird to folks. We don't let other people pick her up (other than Grandpa and Grandmom). We aren't open right now to the idea of a babysitter. I almost never use the little umbrella stroiller we have because the Ergo is much better for attachment. (but hey, at least I bought a stroller and tried it...I didn't have one for a while) But we do what we do because these things are helpful to our attachment process. N is showing a preference for us, and that is wonderful, but we have a long way to go before she really feels secure and before she knows deep down that we are her forever family, not just another set of caretakers that might disappear tomorrow.